The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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