New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
