If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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