I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
