9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
