I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
