No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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