Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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