I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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