I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
