He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
