I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
