Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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