Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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