I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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