i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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