I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just had sex bonerless
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
