Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
