i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
