there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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