My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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