Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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