I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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