i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
