Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I didn't notice because vodka
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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