No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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