Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
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So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Nobody cheats on THIS.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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