I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
