dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
