I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
