my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
