I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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