Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
