I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
