Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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