my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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