Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
