dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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