he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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