she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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