i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
