I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm sobbing to NWA
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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