I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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