dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
