Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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