I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
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Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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