Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
