Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
