So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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