I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
