i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
