I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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