I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
