i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
