if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My penis needs a shock collar
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
