That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
