She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
