My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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