made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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